“Less Fussy” vs “Elitist”
The sandbox metaphor explains the difference quite well. A normal child, the “less fussy” kid, freely invites other children at the park to join him/her to play. Such kids are fundamentally inclusive; they readily welcome other children into the sandbox. The “less fussy” can more easily settle into a long term relationship as they have such a larger pool of potential “friends.”
At the other end of the spectrum are the “extremely picky,” sometimes referred to in psychological circles as being “elitist.” Being “elitist” has a profound influence on the ability to form close relationships. These people are a small minority, and they have a greater chance of having a weak or dysfunctional marriage. Simply put, in this short life, they often do not find the right person. Their sandbox is so small, that only a few possible candidates are suitable to play in it. The odds that they enter a marriage where they are “mismatched” are greater.
It’s not that they dislike the children that they excluded form their sandbox. They simply find them less interesting than the select few that are allowed to enter the “smaller” sandbox. In fact, sometimes the “extremely picky” look at those they rejected from their tiny sandbox and ponder… he seems like such a lovely person… in fact, he probably is a lovely person… but why is it that I do not want to play with him?
Often the extremely picky are mistakenly labeled as people who are unable to love. Sometimes this may be true, but possibly they were matched with the wrong person. Perhaps the extremely picky are locked up and of the 30 keys on the table, only one will open the lock. For the less fussy perhaps a dozen keys will open the lock. This doesn’t require a brilliant statistician to determine who is more likely to have a sour marriage. Intimate relationships are tough, and the “elitist” factor is just one of many.
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